Read The Oscar Monologue Ricky Gervais Wrote For Hathaway And Franco


Ricky Gervais

Ricky Gervais is on TV these days for the widely acclaimed An Idiot Abroad. He describes it as the most expensive practical joke he’s ever pulled, and whatever it’s costing him, it’s totally worth it.

In a perfect world, people like Gervais would be populating Hollywood, but it seems that the entertainment media, that he’s too mean for Hollywood’s classy culture. Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes this year, and he was hilarious probably because he refused to refused to bow to anyone.
But the Oscars is a different story. When they decided to give Hugh Jackman to host, and this year they’ve gone with Anne Hathaway and James Franco, they put a shut down to comedians, to add class, but making it boring despite how much I love Franco and Hathaway.

But it seems that Gervais wrote a monologue for Anne Hathaway and James Franco, (which they would never, ever use)

Here’s a few excerpts:

JF You probably know me from 127 Hours where I play a man trapped in an enclosed space who decides he would rather cut his own arm off than stay where he was. Now that sounds “way out” but wait till half way through this fucking ceremony and you’ll start to identify with him.

AH And I’m the new Catwoman. The first white woman to play that role since Michelle Pfeiffer. I want it to be an inspiration to all white people everywhere. Your dreams can come true in Hollywood too.

JF It’s a daunting task hosting The Oscars but we’re not alone. Presenting awards tonight will be a string of Hollywood legends and some other actors who have a film out in March or April.

JF Usually they hire comedians to host The Oscars, but tonight, instead, you get us!

AH No comedians tonight. And do you know why? Because comics are ugly.

JF Especially that rude obnoxious one who played the Steve Carell part in the English remake of The Office.

AH But you can all relax because Ricky Gervais is in London…

(Nervous laughter)

He’s doing some charity work. YeAH, he’s visiting orphans with cancer. He’s telling them what bald little losers they are…

JF YeAH, cos he’s rude right?

(Applause)

Thank you. No rudeness tonight. It’s going to be a night of the most privileged people in the world being told how brilliant they are and thanking God for loving them more than ugly poor foreigners.

(Applause)

That’s not to say that we don’t care. No, apart from all the great movies we made this year we continued our life-saving philanthropy. Mega stars like Angelina Jolie, George Clooney and Ben Stiller brought light to third world poverty and famine and shocked the world with visions of children so hungry they’d been living off dead beetles all their lives.

AH YeAH and Yoko Ono said. “What’s wrong with that?”

(Laughter)

JF Oh Anne you are naughty. In a respectful, wholesome way.

(Nodding and smiling)

That Ricky Gervais should do more for charity.

 

And more:

JF Anyway let’s get this show on the road. There were some great kids’ movies this year. I took a five year old to see Toy Story 3 last week.

AH Did you enjoy it?

JF No it was ruined for me because the little brat was screaming and crying all the way through the film saying, “Who are you?” “You’re not my daddy.” “Take me back to the park where you grabbed me…”

(Laughter)

AH Oh James, you are a card. And your slightly risky jokes are not threatening because you’re one of us. And you are so handsome.

Here is the complete monologue .

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